Hi Overthinkers and, I suppose, Happy New Year. I’m not really into the idea of January marking a “fresh start” or a “new leaf” so I’m just going to jump right back in. My aim, in this first issue of 2021, is to be the same me, writing the same newsletter that you all signed up to last year. Sound good? I hope so.
You might remember that I mentioned at the end of my last newsletter that one of my partners and I had recently ended, or, rather, redefined our relationship. It’s hard to say exactly why it wasn't working and it doesn’t really matter at this point.
There was no big moment of realisation. I’d had a sinking feeling for quite a long time; a sense that, despite all our attempts at communication, we just weren’t on the same page. In a monogamous relationship, this might have been the point where I decided to cut my losses. But if consensual non-monogamy shows us anything it’s that relationships don’t have to be all or nothing.
I texted him at the start of the November lockdown asking if we could have a hiatus. He agreed. I suggested we both use the time to think about what we actually wanted from the relationship. Like, actually. “If it gets to December and the answer is ‘just sex’ that’s OK, we can talk about that,” I wrote. So that’s what we did.
We met up one Sunday in December and we agreed to proceed with a “friends with benefits” type arrangement. What exactly that entails in the context of this worsening pandemic and a seemingly interminable lockdown is as yet unclear. In fact, the whole premise of this newsletter is rather moot but I’m going to ask the question anyway because I hope it will become relevant to us again at some point: What does it mean when a relationship is “just sex”?
I am already smarting at the use of the word “just” in this sentence. Just sex? JUST?? The implication here is that sex is somehow the easier part of a relationship, the bit that doesn’t require any real investment of time or energy. Needless to say I disagree.
Obviously sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. After all, I have a great many platonic relationships that are fun, challenging, inspiring and intimate. I’ve also had romantic relationships where the sex was not mind-blowing but which were exciting anyway because of the emotional connection we had, or the intellectual chemistry. But if sex is the only thing you’re going to do together, surely you need to be prepared to make an effort with it?
You wouldn’t keep playing tennis with a half-arsed partner. You wouldn’t choose to spend weekend afternoons hitting balls around with someone who otherwise had no interest in the sport (I don’t actually play tennis so I’ve probably effed up this metaphor but it’s too late now, I’m running with it!) You wouldn’t play with someone who didn’t give any thought to technique or style, who didn’t challenge you, engage with you, or care about your experience.
Great sex does not *simply happen*. You need to know what the other person is into and you need to think about what you’re up for and you need to communicate that. For me, planning a “just sex” hangout with someone is akin to going round for dinner: You don’t just turn up and hope they’ve catered to your dietary requirements. You have to let them know. Likewise you’d be a pretty crap host if you didn’t bother to check if they had any allergies or if they were doing Veganuary.
What’s more, I want it to feel like we’ve made a bit of effort. If I’ve got someone coming round for dinner, I want to make my home feels comfortable and inviting. It’s the same with sex. If someone’s coming over specifically to fuck, I’m going to make damn sure I’ve created a sexy environment (what constitutes “sexy” will obviously depend a lot on you and what you plan to get up to).
I’m not saying there’s nothing hot about an unplanned booty call, or a realisation that you’re both at home, horny and with nothing better to do, because there definitely is but if I’m only ever getting “u up?” I’m going to get bored pretty quickly.
So yeah, it’s safe to say that having “just sex” with me is not the low-effort option! And all that’s before we get to the “friend with benefits” demarcation. Even if we’ve ironed out what the benefits are (ie a conscious commitment to having really fun sex together), where does that leave us as “friends.”
When it comes down to it, mutual respect and a basic level of kindness, as well as some care and regard for each other’s wellbeing seem to me to be the essentials of a FWB situation. But could we aspire to more?
Girl On The Net told me a wonderful story on an episode of my podcast, The Second Circle, about a FWB who really “put the buddy in the word fuckbuddy.” You can find it HERE at around the 44 minute mark. Her partner was someone she had a real, genuine friendship with. They talked about work, about life, about dating. They showed up for each other and were supportive and sociable. Plus they had sex.
I'm not saying that's what I want but I like that it shows what's possible. Too often I think, people worry that being too friendly with the people you're fucking means you're "catching feelings". Well, good! I like feelings. I especially like having positive feelings about people I have actively chosen to spend my time with. But this is already starting to feel like another question for another time and I need to wrap up so I can tell you about what else is going on this week.
The thing I know for sure is this: If I’m going to “just” have sex with someone, that sex better be a LOT of fun.
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What’s on my mind this week…
BAD SEX
“There are no bad sex moves, there are only bad sex attitues!”
This was something I found myself saying on a previous episode of my podcast, back in 2018, in response to my co-host Rob asserting that good sex is out of reach for some people beacuse they just have “bad sex moves”. It was one of those things that just came out in the moment and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I stand by it. I don’t believe “sex moves” can be inherently bad, as long as they’re consensual. Sure, they might not work for everyone - one person’s ecstatic pleasure is another person’s “Wtf are you doing?” but that doesn’t make them universally “bad”. So what does make sex bad? Attitudes, yes. But that’s both a bit broad and a bit narrow.
As I told you last month, I’m planning a new series of The Second Circle podcast and this is exactly what I want to dig into. I’m going to look at some of the most common complaints people have about their sex lives, from dissatisfying hookups, to a lack of chemistry, to mismatched libidos, and selfish lovers. But I’m going to go one further as well, to ask what part culture, politics and capitalism have played in creating these situations and how they’ve shaped the attitudes that lead to sex being “bad”.
I’ll tell you more about it as I go but in the meantime, I need to raise the funds in order to make it happen and so I will be launching a BAD SEX crowdfunder on February 12 - just in time for Valentine’s Day! Put it in your diary, pals.
Being “unsorted”
Sometimes I worry, in writing these newsletters, that I come across as very sure of myself and “sorted” on matters of sex and relationships. What I’m trying to give you are the useful parts of what goes round in my head when I ponder these topics; the things you might relate to or be able to use in your own lives; the questions that - while they may not directly apply to you - might remind you of other things and prompt you to think about those. But I sometimes worry that in doing that I’m presenting an inauthentic version of myself. Or if not “inauthentic” then incomplete. Because I’m not sorted, I am decidedly un-sorted on a whole lot of things, not least the situation I described above. So I want to add a little disclaimer here and say that while it might often sound like I have it all clear and I know what I’m doing… I really don’t. Relationships (particularly non-monogamous ones) aren’t something you can “learn” or “get good at”. When you decide to identify as polyamorous, you don’t get a certificate that says “Congratulations you are now qualified to have healthy relationships.” You just have to want to keep trying.
I read back over this essay and I realised it sounded a bit dispassionate, as though it’s really very simple to redefine a relationship that isn’t working out if you just apply yourself intellectually. That’s certainly not the case, or not from my point of view anyway. At the end of the day, a break up is a break up and I’ve felt really hurt and disappointed and confused and angry and, at times, really fucking stupid. I don’t yet know if a “just sex” relationship is going to work. But I know I want to try.
A couple more things to (over)think about…
I haven’t watched Bridgerton (although maybe I should for BAD SEX research!) but here’s a Teen Vogue article linking it to the author’s own experience of being kept in the dark about sex
Ngl I’ve watched this gif about 87 times More telly sex: The Teacher is a new drama about a teacher who has a sexual relationship with her student
I’m still catching up on Industry myself which has an interesting approach to sex - not “good” as such but more interesting than what we sometimes see
I absolutely loved this article on talking to your kids about your sex life
This study which presented not wanting to masturbate in front of your partner as a bad thing pissed me off. The original article is here
Ruby Rare’s article about how to have better sex is the gentle, nuanced approach to sex advice we need more of in the mainstream
Florence from sex posi influencer duo Come Curious has been sparking debate by talking about her approach to dating with herpes
An Elle profile of Christie Smythe (a journalist who upended her life when she fell for the guy she was reporting on) went viral but this discussion of how common her behaviour is really spoke to me
This story of a breakup by Beth Kirkbridge is tender and insightful
And this story of a marriage after only three meetings manages to be both wildly romantic and also deeply pragmatic
Tips for maintaining a relationship during lockdown will never not be useful to me
And finally… apparently probiotics could improve your sex life
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The Overthinker’s Guide To Sex is written by freelance journalist Franki Cookney.
To read more of my work, or to get in touch with me go to frankicookney.com. You can also find me on Twitter, and Instagram.
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